“You need to be your own best friend” is the type of cliché we hear regularly in the self-help world, primarily because it is so true. But surprisingly, the thought of loving oneself makes most people feel uncomfortable and some don’t even know what that means. Societal and religious conventions are much to blame—as if the act of being loving and respectful of one’s own body, emotions and boundaries is selfish and takes away from others. Nothing could be further from the truth. When we love ourselves, we are capable of greater love for others while giving them permission to be their best selves, too.
The Proof is in the Doing…or Not Doing
In coaching sessions, clients who are strong, confident and resilient sometimes balk at the fact that they might not love themselves as they think they do. They aren’t wrong to admit they like themselves, but they may need a mindset shift to really understand what loving oneself entails. Being proud of one’s accomplishments, values, and relationships isn’t enough. The question is: what are you doing to be your own best friend? How do you care for your body? Your mind? Your spirit? How do you fill your cup when it’s empty? How do you care for your heart when it’s aching? What are you reluctantly committing to in order to make others happy?
The Power of Choosing Compassion & Balance
Honoring our feelings and boundaries is essential to living happy lives. When we sweep our feelings under the rug, we only suppress them, forcing them to come up in unexpected ways later in life and wreaking havoc on our relationships. When we ignore the needs of our bodies, we gradually put them into dis-ease, leaving us to reckon with health problems later in life. And when we ignore the stress of our busy lives in a vain effort to keep moving ahead, we only slow ourselves down and make our bodies vulnerable. By showing ourselves compassion, we are able to embrace balance by making it a part of our daily practice.
In choosing balance, we are far more likely to accept things for what they are. For example, you may not be able to get that big project finished up at work ahead of schedule if you choose to finish your workday at 5 o’clock, but you will have time to exercise, meditate or read before dinner. However, if you choose to race through your work projects until midnight, you’ll only wake up exhausted and resentful. In a balanced mindset, we are more prone to recognize that slow and steady wins the race, even if it might not earn us the fleeting accolades for overachievement at work. Again, this all about choice.
Self-Love is Not Selfish
In a performance-driven world, choosing self-love may feel like an act of rebellion, challenging our early childhood beliefs around selfishness. But there’s a big difference between self-care and selfishness. If you can’t actively love yourself, you naturally put yourself in a deficit mindset—that you are not worthy of caring for yourself. This also means you are not likely to be able to care well for anyone else, because you’re allowing outside forces to deplete your energy without ever filling your own cup of wellness. This creates tremendous problems in relationships, both with ourselves and others. That short phrase from the airlines about putting your own oxygen mask on first is filled with endless wisdom.
By choosing self-love and care, we admit that we are humans and not robots, and we deserve fulfillment in all areas of our lives—not just in some. To care for ourselves also helps us recognize areas where we’re vulnerable and imperfect, giving us room for self-compassion. When we show ourselves this love, we create more room for the other people in our lives to do the same. For example, we then become less likely to be resentful when a friend cancels our date because they’ve overextended, because we know from experience how important self-care is. When more people choose to become their own best friends, we create space for a more peaceful and balanced world.
How can you show up for yourself today?